Smart Men, Silly Men. Which are YOU?

OK, so I called out the smart and the silly ladies – the women who are doing dating well and those who are doing it badly, https://blog.julieferman.com/smart-women-and-silly-women-which-are-you/ and now it’s time to take a peek into how dating went for some of the men in my community this past year. The smart, and … the silly … and so I have to ask you guys, in which camp do you see yourself? 

The Silly.  Yeah, I know, you want to hear about these guys first.  Here’s how some of the single men I know blew it last year.  My eyes hurt from rolling. 

Brad shoots out of his league. In terms of overall “romantic market value” – generously we’ll give him a six. I know, sorry, that’s harsh, but in all honesty, Brad is an Average Joe who has a shot at an Average Jill, but he keeps trying to date a Heidi Klum type — women he has no chance of attracting. If Heidi Klum were dating, ain’t no way she would go for Brad. In my view, Brad needs to 1) Broaden his interpretation of the woman he finds appealing and / or 2) Become more appealing himself. I sent Brad to study with Dan Silverman. https://www.matchmakingmiami.com/  Dan’s the go-to dating coach for men who are ready to step into their own masculine power, which serves to elevate his attraction quotient. I’ll be very interested to see how Brad evolves this year.

Randall is being a downer. He is recently divorced, after a miserable 20-year marriage. He’s flopping around like a fish out of water, looking for someone to love, who’ll love him back, but he blows it every time he has a date by … can you guess?  He talks about his miserable marriage, how lousy a wife she was, about her drinking and carrying on, and … really, who wants to hear about all of that? He wears the Victim Hat and it’s a total turn-off to a healthy woman. I’m happy to have the chance to be his dating coach – he’s a good guy, he just needs some time, some coaching and some practice. We’re going on a Mock Date this coming weekend, just the two of us, and it’ll give me a chance to share with him how it feels to be on the other side of the table, with instant feedback when he flops and when he gets it right. He just needs a bit of tweaking and renewed confidence in his own worth and value. He’ll get it, with time and practice.

Alan is being stingy. He’s been dating for years, via online sites and the swiping apps. He’s been dating poorly for so long that now he’s getting lazy, he’s being stingy and he’s cutting corners. He’s become bitter and jaded, having determined that unless a woman is “perfect” for him, she’s not really worth the effort (or the expense) to court. And so, he doesn’t court. He won’t ask a woman out on a date unless she’s passed all of his “phone interview” tests first. What happens when he grills a woman with his list of 20 questions, by phone? She’s thoroughly turned off, quickly picking up on his Me Me Me orientation, or he vetoes her, and they both get to have another Saturday evening alone, stuck in their ruts, developing more and more disdain for the opposite sex, and love loses. Alan is being stubborn – he insists that the way he’s doing dating is “smart” but … year after year he has the exact same results. Zippo. Things would be so different for Alan, if he could shift his focus from what he’s getting out of dating to what he might be able to contribute to the person directly in front of him. Dating is like everything else in life. The more we GIVE, the more we can experience happiness and joy, and the more likely we are to stumble upon someone who’s able to receive our gifts.

The Smart. Guys who figured out how to do dating well.

Rob used to fall for The Hot Mess. A pattern he came to me to break. Rob has routinely gone for the girl who turns heads, who is attracted to his resources and who strings him along, accepting his gifts, his love, and his attention until she falls apart or until someone new and shinier comes along and then POOF, she’s gone. What gives me hope?  I’ve seen some real progress this past year with Rob. He’s sincerely seeking relationship with a REAL woman who wants him for the RIGHT reasons, and so he’s taking a break from dating altogether, while working with me, with a therapist and participating in a men’s group. I know for sure that once he’s fallen back in love with ROB, honoring and respecting himself, he’ll be able to attract a healthier, happier partner. Sometimes, taking a break from dating altogether, with eyes wide open in introspection, is the best way to break an unhealthy dating pattern.

Ben took action. When he came to me initially, he had been separated from his wife (for years), hesitating to divorce for financial reasons. He felt stuck between two worlds, tethered to the past and yet yearning for a whole new future. He took a chance that if he had a proper introduction, via a matchmaker who could and would “pitch” him to women who might be able to be accepting of his current situation, that there would be a chance for a new love to take hold. It did. I was able to convince Sarah that a date with Ben (and a second, and a third, and a twentieth…) was worth her while. Ben fell madly in love with Sarah, who mustered up plenty of patience, while he initiated and completed the divorce process. The day after the divorce was final, Ben and Sarah married and they are over the moon happy together. Both in their 60’s, they are sharing the first healthy, happy relationship of their lives.  Sweet.  He was patient too, as Sarah needed for him to be officially divorced before she would join him in the bedroom. She waited for him, keeping her heart open.  He waited for her, keeping his heart open.  And love won.

Tommy stepped up to the plate. He liked Roni.  A LOT. Everything about her – her piercing eyes, her passion for social justice, her love of children and animals, her goofy, playful sense of humor, and most importantly, how he feels when he’s with her. Trouble was, he wondered why it was so hard for him to get her on that next date. Many of his text messages went unanswered. He wondered why she wasn’t more responsive and why she never reached out to him. Before tossing her into the Flake Category, throwing in the towel on the Tommy / Roni match, he remembered something his sister had shared with him, about how women wish men would pursue and initiate more. So, he picked up the phone (imagine that!) and called Roni, old school. He got voice mail (DAMN!) but he left a message. On that message he said, “Hi Roni. It’s Tommy. I want to see you again. I realize that every time I’m with you, colors seem brighter, life seems easier, and there’s a spring in my step. I need me some more of that! Are you free for dinner on Saturday eve, or for Brunch on Sunday?” Roni called him back within an hour, they set that dinner date. And that’s when she told him that she liked him too, and that she was hoping and praying that he would be The Guy, that he’d be interested enough in her to put forth a sincere effort to court her properly, with a real live phone call and a manly invitation for a grown-up date. They’re still together, nine months later. Thank goodness he had that AHA moment, that he had the courage to initiate a proper date with her, and to let her know how he felt about her.

Matt never burns bridges. Never ever. He has been dating for a few years now, with some nice relationships, but he’s not found his ONE quite yet. I know he will. I’ve watched his behavior and he consistently does everything right. He pursues, he initiates, he keeps the ball in play. He likes Pam, who’s in the midst of her busy season as a tax accountant. So, rather than being pushy or pissy, he’s got a date set with her for 3 weeks down the road, when things calm down with her office schedule. He liked Cathy, who texted him to say that she doesn’t have “the hots” for him romantically. Rather than take offense, for being tossed into the Friend Zone, he said No Sweat, let’s be pals, and later in the year, he invited her to one of his dance parties, where she lit on one of his friends, whom she’s dating. AND Cathy set Matt up with her dentist and now Matt’s got a date scheduled with said dentist. The lesson? Never burn bridges.   

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