Women have for the most part been abandoned by matchmakers. It’s true, it’s heartbreaking, it’s puzzling, it’s shameful. It’s a fact and … here’s what we can do about it.
Run a Google search for Los Angeles Matchmakers or for California Matchmakers or LA Dating agencies and you’ll see what’s happened.
Since launching my LA matchmaking agency way back in 2001, I’ve seen dozens of dating companies launch. So many have since closed their doors, and plenty are still standing. Some good, some bad, some ugly. Each of these dating agencies claims to be the solution for single love seekers who are hoping to short-cut their way through the dating maze by hiring the big guns. The dating agency’s mission? To help sift and sort, identify and vet fitting candidates and hopefully to cause those magical first dates to happen for their clients.
The “service” model that is adopted by oh so many of these personal search firms? Wealthy men pay a fortune ($20,000, $50,000, $100,000 – seriously… it’s ridiculous) to meet beautiful women who hope to get a ticket to the good life – mansions, private jets, yeah…. All those goodies that we know don’t bring true happiness, but we’re conditioned to want all that. Tag lines like … “for successful men in search of beautiful women” lure both men and women to click.
Who else is grossed out by this? Beauty and wealth – we know that neither sources true joy, happiness or fulfilment, but we’re tugged on and yanked by the images that flash before our eyes every day. The wealthy men / beautiful women dating agency model preys on single men and single women who have allowed the media and pop culture to dictate who is date-worthy and who isn’t.
Sometimes the rich man / Barbie doll formula works, at least for fun, short-term flings, but rarely do we see 20-year marriages result from these superficial pairings. More often, the investment for the high end gentleman client is a bust in the end – the agency might be able to line up a drop dead gorgeous gal for that first date for the older guy who’s got the big bucks and who’s forked out a wad of them to hire the agency; but too often he doesn’t get the second date, the third date or the relationship with that hottie – the gal he always hoped to date in high school, but not being the studly quarterback, never got to. Now that he’s sitting on a pile of dough, he tries his luck online. He’s shut down by those much hotter, much younger gals on the dating apps, so he falls for the high-end matchmaker’s online marketing messages and the slick, full-page airline magazine ads. He hires help. A little known, shocking, barf-worthy reality? Some dating agencies coerce, even PAY models and hungry actresses to meet their high paying gentlemen clients. I know, it’s awful. It’s disgraceful. It’s time someone called these folks out on their shady practices.
The majority of the LA matchmakers and outdated, old fashioned “dating services” who do still serve female clients are most often using flawed or weak service models.
Blind Date Matchmaking. Right, that means clients are giving up a Saturday night to meet up with someone they know very, very little about – no photos at all, and typically just a couple of short sentences about who their date is. Waste of time, energy and resources? Most often, sadly, yes. That said, are there times when I recommend a blind date matchmaking agency? Yes, indeed. A super high-quality person whose “look” isn’t grabbing folks online. Let’s face it, most of us aren’t gorgeous. Whip out a piece of paper and make a list of the ten BEST human beings you know. Rock solid values, morals, a loving spirit – folks who are making the world a much better place. Got your list? How many of them would rise to the top of a pile of single profiles based on just a photo? Right …. Not very many of them. People who are rock solid wonderful, but whose photos don’t magnetize quality candidates – these folks might be quite well served by a blind date matchmaking agency, as they WILL get first dates with people whom they likely never would have met online or via a matchmaking service that does show photos to both parties. Blind date matchmaking CAN be done well, if the community is large enough and if the agency is honest and upfront with clients from the get go.
Skinny databases of only current, paying clients. Back in the 80’s and 90’s, this dating service model ruled. Prior to the days of the Internet, paying a few thousand dollars to gain access to a community of single love seekers, who had also bellied up to the bar to hire help? This made some sense way back then. Most of these dating agencies of yore did only blind date matching, without pre-approval. Just a series of introductions, blind for both parties. Then came video dating with mutual selection. My sister and I both found our hubbies this way. But today, this model is, dare I say it, out of date. If the member-only agencies were to show a prospective client who’s actually behind the curtain, available for referral, likely to say Yes to an introduction? There would be so few new clients that the company would be gone within a couple of months.
Why do SO FEW personal matchmakers take on female clients?
Female clients are typically much more challenging for the agency to match. Yep, it’s true for a variety of reasons I am going to call out right now.
We’re messing with courtship. When a personal matchmaker takes on a female client, we’re reversing the courtship process. Traditionally, courtship happens when a man is interested in / attracted to a particular woman and he woos her, hoping to gain her favor. As a matchmaker who does indeed work with female clients as well, I know the challenges intimately. In searching for a particular woman, first, I need to find and have direct access to a man who meets my client’s key criteria. And then I need to be sure that timing is right for him to pursue / court a woman. And then …. the super tricky part … I need to determine if HE is a Yes for meeting this one particular woman whom I have in mind for him to meet, to court, to date. The reality? Are you sitting down? For every one Yes response I get from that fine, in-demand, date-worthy guy, he’ll give me five of these responses — “Ahhh…. Not so much… who else do you have for me?” It’s true. I’m so sorry to have to say it. I can’t cause a man to light on a particular woman. I do wish I had that magic wand.
The Attraction Conundrum. We girls hate this part. We want things to be fair, even, equal, between men and women, in all aspects. And in this one area, dating is SO NOT FAIR. Women have a far better ability to develop romantic attraction than men do. There’s a question I’ve been asking men and women since I started interviewing singles back in 1990. “Have you ever met someone whom you didn’t find romantically attractive at first, but then after knowing each other a while, attraction DID spark?” 85% of the women I’ve interviewed have said Yes to that question. But when I ask the very same question to men? Oh, My Goodness…. It’s dramatic. Less than 5% of men typically say Yes to that question. And ladies, it’s not because men are superficial and shallow. They’re just wired this way. I blame it on biology. Men have equipment that simply has to work as designed in order for human beings to survive. It’s quite rare for a man to “light on” a woman romantically unless he was attracted to her from the get go. Even men who are in their 60’s / 70’s – men who have zero interest in having a child – unless that grown-up, senior gentleman is attracted to a woman visually, I simply cannot bring a man to my female client’s doorstep. I find that it’s best not to fight this reality, but rather to work with it, by developing a very large community of … all kinds of types, both women and men.
The Rejection Factor. Guys have been dealing with rejection from girls since the sixth grade. They don’t like it, but most guys can handle it. We girls… well… from my experience in matching up couples in every way that a matchmaker could try to do it… we ladies don’t typically handle rejection well. The number one element that men find alluring, appealing and attractive in a woman? It’s her confidence. Not “boss lady” confidence, but confidence in her femininity, in her sexuality, her beauty, and her ability to be the loving compliment to a man she’d like to invite into her life. When a woman discovers that the man she has targeted as a candidate for herself is NOT interested in her or NOT attracted to her, well…. That erodes the confidence she needs to develop and nurture. It’s such a conundrum, isn’t it? So, I’ve learned that the best way to serve women in a personal matchmaking community is to share just the good news. The work I do for her is mostly behind the scenes. She hears from me only when I have a qualified suitor. Timing is good for him for meeting someone special AND he’s interested in and already attracted to the woman I have in mind for him to meet. Is doing matchmaking for women in this fashion easy? Nope. But to me, it’s worth the effort, at least to me, as I know it is to my female clients.
Can we properly serve female matchmaking clients?
Yes, we can. I have. I do, quite often, selectively, however. I have to know in advance that her level of selectivity is in line with the reality I believe I can create for her. Here’s the only way it’s done well. I find good men, great men, of all ages, every day. I invite single, desirable men to register privately with me, to be eligible for personal matchmaking referrals. Whether this new guy I found pays me to search proactively for him? A secondary issue for me, always. First, when I discover this great new man, I find out all about him, I create a profile for him, I vet him, I screen him, I get his current photos. I check him out and I groom him for my personal matchmaking process. Then I look to see if I’ve got a current or a former female client for whom he might be an ideal Suitor. Then, if he is a Yes for meeting her, I’ll present him to her as a Suitor. When she’s a Yes for meeting him too, I orchestrate a first date for the two of them. This new man in my world might end up becoming my personal matchmaking client down the road, but …. not just yet. First, I like to see which of my female clients he’d love to meet. She’s hired me for that privilege. She deserves to have the first shot at this good guy. And that’s how matchmaking for women works, when it’s done well.
How do I find these great, eligible, desirable single men in Los Angeles (and also Santa Fe, New Mexico)? Through the Sisterhood, that’s how. I call this Recycling for the Sisterhood. I’ve personally registered over 10,000 single men since launching my southern CA matchmaking agency. The vast majority of the really good men I’ve met over these past 18 years have come to me through referral by one of my sisters…. We call then Girlfriend Approved Guys.
Here’s your chance to make a meaningful, heart-centered contribution that will earn you Karma Credits. Share your single guy pals with me, for the sisterhood. Let the good, solid, wonderful single men in your life know that there’s a place for him here with me. Whether he pays me a dime or not, I truly don’t care. If he’s out there, doing this thing called dating in LA, or if he’s single in New Mexico, where Gil and I have our second home, I want to know him, so I can consider him for events invitations and personal introductions with the women in my community.
Your brother. Your dentist. Your neighbor. That good guy you met online, but the romantic magic wasn’t there. The guy whose religion or political view didn’t synch with yours. The guy who’s too young for you or too old for you, but who gets your seal of approval. The guy you tried to develop attraction for but … it didn’t happen? Bring him to me. The guy who didn’t want to have kids, or the guy who DID want to have kids. THAT guy. You be the one to impact the sisterhood by reaching out to him. Let him know that he’s welcomed here, at any level. From free to VIP, at any service level. If he’s a good guy, sincerely seeking a healthy relationship, I want to know him. In fact, I need to know him, in order to continue serving the sisterhood.
I plan Los Angeles Singles events. I plan New Mexico Singles events. Who gets invited? Folks I need to meet in person. I always bring a photographer, to capture that great, current shot that is positively essential for dating in today’s wild world. Share me with your single men, your colleagues, your friends, your family members. I will invite him to an event, I will invite him onto a personal call with me. I will welcome him with open arms.
And THAT, folks, is how we serve the sisterhood. Thank you in advance for sharing me with the relationship-worthy single men in your world. Have your single guy pals register privately with me, for free here: www.JulieFerman.com or they can reach out to me directly. I will always respond personally. That’s a promise. I so appreciate you. The sisterhood says Thank You for doing your part to enable and cause love to happen for the single men and women in your world.