Are you using the same tired old picker that you’ve been using for years? The picker that hasn’t worked for you for ages, even for decades, in choosing a romantic partner?
You know the picker I’m talking about – it’s that internal, mostly subconscious screening device you’re using to select the “right” candidates and veto the “wrong” candidates in this thing we call your love life.
It’s another new year, and therefore a great time to take stock, balance the books, visit the doctor for that annual check-up, including the love doctor (aka the dating coach) to see if there’s some tweaking that we might want to do in the plan for the man or the woman who’s supposed to be by your side, but who somehow has been continuing to evade your invitation. Want some personal attention from your friendly neighborhood dating coach / personal matchmaker? https://blog.julieferman.com/should-i-meet-julie-ferman-on-dating-consultation/
Where is your picker? It’s lodged partly in your mind and partly in your gut, and it’s a pesky bugger because we forget that we are in charge of that picker’s calibration, its scope and its decision making, but our results (or lack of them) all have one person in common. Right? So we must have something to do with the picking, the choosing, the avoiding, the hesitating, the false starts and the Oh-My-God-I-Did-It-Again’s that somehow keep happening to us.
Let’s do a New Year exercise that just might reveal where your picker is off. Whip out a pen and a piece of paper, or start a new “notes” page on your phone or tablet. Take a stroll through your calendar from this past year to make a list of each of the people you had first dates with. Who did you have second dates with? Third dates?
Why did you stop seeing this person? What was missing for you? What was it that compelled you to want to pass on this person. What was missing in you, if you didn’t have the opportunity to continue exploring because you were the one who was passed over, discarded or vetoed?
The purpose of this exercise is to look for patterns that are repeating themselves, effectively engraining you in ruts that become deeper and deeper with every passing year. What are your patterns? What do you KEEP doing that just plain doesn’t work out for you? In other words, where are YOUR traps?
Do you keep picking people who look great on the outside but who are lacking integrity, character and moral fiber? If so, my new year’s advice for you is to broaden your interpretation of who might be a worthy candidate – the best prospects for life-long love are not usually the best looking or the wealthiest people in the room, nor are they usually the people with the biggest personalities.
Do you keep finding that the people “out there” don’t measure up to your expectations? Are your expectations reasonable? If the “type” of person you’re interested in is naturally interested in you too, pursuing you, then you’re likely on track. If not, then … uh oh… you might be shooting out of your league, setting yourself up for disappointment and failure. The type of person you were able to attract 20 years ago… might be out of your reach today. Sad, but so often true.
Do you keep picking people who party too much, who lack self-respect, healthy boundaries, or who seem to be more interested in the chase than in partnership? Practice holding your space, rather than “caving” to desire. Love and respect yourself enough to wait for it. You’re worth it. True love is worth a bit of a wait.
What patterns did you find as you cruised through last year’s dating calendar? What patterns do you see? And what are you game for changing up in this bright new year? Join us for this next event, and we’ll surely share some AHA moments together: https://www.julieferman.com/LA_singles_Events.aspx