How To Do Dating Badly

Matchmaker, Julie Ferman’s Top 8 Sure-fire ways to fail miserably in dating…

  1. Allow Fantasy to take charge. That is, comparing real, live people to that fictitious, imaginary “ideal” person you’ve got lodged in your mind’s eye. Instead… give your REAL Suitors and Prospects a chance to impress you.
  2. Noticing what’s missing, lacking or wrong with the folks you see and meet. Instead… look for what’s lovely, interesting, surprising and worthy of note. Looking for generosity? In the people you meet, watch for evidence of the quality you’re hoping to find, by asking yourself “How is this person generous?”
  3. Being stingy, not willing to invest your time, energy, attention or resources in the process of dating. Instead of waiting for or expecting this other person to jump through hoops, how about YOU be the one who drives across town for a date, YOU be the one who brings a picnic lunch for the hike, YOU be the one who gives your full attention to the person who’s sitting with you at the coffee shop, YOU be the one who gets there early to score a great table. In other words, ask yourself, “How am I being generous?” and expand on what YOU are bringing to the dating table.
  4. Being a Me Me Me person. When on a date, do you talk about yourself, dominate the conversation, express little interest in this person you’re meeting? Guard against being THAT person; instead… lead with sincere curiosity, kindness and compassion on EVERY date you have a chance to go on.
  5. Being rigid, inflexible, or opinionated. Do you come across as the person who has to have things YOUR way? Do you insist that your opinions are “right” ?? Instead, practice being accommodating, cooperative, flexible, easygoing and low (lower) maintenance. Don’t sweat the little stuff. Relationships require a whole lot of bending and flexing; practice this while you’re dating. You’ll need these skills later, when you’re in that partnership you’re hoping to create for yourself.
  6. Not being present. Focusing too much on the past OR too much on the future. No one wants to hear a 20-minute diatribe about your miserable ex or your failed relationships, and playing The Victim isn’t sexy. Also, no one wants to be grilled on a date with 20 questions, interview style. Instead, practice the fine art of being in the Present, with your sole mission being to make sure this person you’re with is having a nice time. Drop the pressure and make friends ALL along the way.
  7. Ghosting, disappearing, flaking, or fibbing. Not returning phone calls, text messages or emails, or fibbing as to the REAL reason you’re not interested in having another date. Ghosting and fibbing erode trust and confidence in our dating culture and muddies the waters. Instead, find your own words that express why you’re a No Thanks for having another date. And make a friend, no matter what. As a wise grandma once told me, “Never turn down a date with anyone, and always be kind and respectful; you never know who his FRIENDS might be…”
  8. Vetoing Candidates for secondary reasons. Dismissing candidates and interested suitors for issues that don’t make it to your Critical Criteria list. Do you know what YOUR Top Five Critical Criteria are? Take a moment, right now, to make that list for yourself. These are the five elements that you truly need in your future partner – in other words, you’d rather be single forever than to partner with someone who wasn’t ________.  When we really take a hard look at the elements that we truly NEED, and when we prioritize these qualities / characteristics, it’s always illuminating. Are you dismissing / vetoing potential candidates or suitors for elements that are truly secondary? So many of today’s single folks are doing just this. You be the one who isn’t falling into this trap.

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