First Dates: Are You Going on TOO MANY or TOO FEW?

First Dates: Are You Going on TOO MANY or TOO FEW?

You’re single, and you’d much rather be in love. Yes?

OK, so let’s get you set up for success.                          

There’s a simple formula that I’ve seen work hundreds and hundreds of times with my matchmaking and dating coaching clients.  Interestingly, it’s the same formula that MY dating coach had given to me when I was looking for My Guy 30 years ago.  I followed my dating coach’s advice, taking dating on like a mission and it worked.  Now, it’s your turn.

If you’re sincerely looking for a loving, monogamous, grown-up relationship, then I’d like to see you on TWO FIRST DATES each month, with well qualified candidates. These should be people who meet your Top Three Critical Criteria, and … whose Top Three Critical Criteria you meet as well.  You’re both interested in each other and sufficiently attracted to each other to spend an hour together trying on the hat.

If you have two first dates each month, on the average, then that’s 24 over the course of a year. When you take on this mission, guess what happens?  Most of you will never get to First Date #24, because … you will have met yourself a Keeper and you’re done with the search process.  Sweet. 

Now, I don’t care HOW you meet these folks.  You have SO many options.  Take a look to see which of these action strategies you’ve implemented, and … done well, thoroughly, with an open mind, an open heart and a positive, go-for-it approach. Pick two or three of these action strategies and get busy.

Online Dating. Online Apps. Not for everyone, but today more couples are finding each other through dating sites and social media than any other medium. To do online dating well and avoid the many pitfalls? Hire a dating coach (me, if you like) for an hour to get your profile set up well and to show you the ropes. Most of the folks I hear complaining about online dating are … doing it all wrong, wondering why it’s not delivering stronger results.

Photos. Yours, that is. Posting dated photos might get you a first date, but never a second. You need a clear, warm, smiling face shot and a bod shot.  Ditch the sunglasses, the hats, the ski parkas and please scrap that selfie in the bathroom… Men especially are visual (not shallow, not superficial, just biologically compelled to initiate only when attracted to a particular woman) The more selective YOU are, the more important your OWN photos are, whether you’re male or female.  Get great photos here, easy peasy: www.LookBetterOnline.com  

Meet-Up Groups. They’re everywhere.  Pop onto www.MeetUp.com to see the plethora of activities right in your community. Choose two events to attend each month, and choose activities that naturally interest you, so that whether you meet a new friend / romantic interest or not, the time and effort will be well spent. You’ll meet more people if you go alone. If you bring a friend, discipline yourselves not to stick together – meet each person at the event. Make it your mission to make the OTHER people at the event feel welcome and comfortable and you’ll lose your own jitters quickly.

Local Events Calendar. What’s happening in your community? Run a search online for your town’s event calendar and look also for singles events. Get out. And when out, practice the fine art of engaging people, everywhere you go. Make it your mission to bring smiles to the faces of the people you see out there in your world.

Initiate. Yes, you. Extend invitations, don’t wait for them.  YOU be the one who’s inviting interesting people to meet up at the dog park, over coffee or happy hour.  YOU be the one to plan the next social  mixer for your pals / colleagues. Have them each bring an opposite sex pal, whom you’ve not yet met.  Works like magic.

Make yourself STICKY. Make yourself easy to find, and accessible. Have “calling cards” made up, that are safe to share with people you meet out there in the world. First name only, and a cell number or an email that doesn’t reveal your last name. When you meet interesting people, don’t part company without sharing your calling card, with a warm smile and a “So great meeting you. Here’s how to find me.”  Feeling gutsy? Follow that up with “How will I ever find YOU again?” You’ll be surprised how many people will be happy to connect with you. And then… within 24 hours, you be the one to follow up by phone or email, with an invitation to meet up again or to chat by phone. 

Get to Date Number Three.  How is it that so many fantastic single people are missing each other, staying single year after year? Because they’re judging each other far too quickly. I want to know how it FEELS being together, on that first date, the second date, and that all important third date.  It takes three times for two people to be together before comfort level and bonding begin to kick in. Those who have a lot of One Date Wonders …. Yep, I’m talking to you.  When in doubt, have a second date.  Still in doubt? Have that third date.  If sparks don’t kick in by then, we’re probably looking at a nice friendship, but not likely a romance.  KEEP that friend. Don’t burn the bridge.  That person’s cousin or sibling or boss or dentist … might be your future partner, but … not if you “ghost” or burn the bridge. 

Look for what’s right.  Seriously, folks, this is the most important element of the How To plan. Discipline yourself to look for the qualities you’re hoping to find in other people. Be thoroughly honest with yourself about what your Top Three Critical Criteria are for your future partner. When you meet people out in the world and especially when on a date, resist the temptation to see flaws.  We all have them (um, and so do you…) Rather, look for evidence that this person might have these qualities that you’ve deemed to be most essential in your future partner.  Those who appear to have these essential qualities? THOSE are the folks to lasso for second and third dates.  And again, don’t wait for the invitation, get creative, offer up ideas and calendar openings. Keep the plate spinning through Date Number Three to really give things a chance to take hold.

Your Local Matchmakers. If you haven’t already, pop online to run a search for your local matchmakers. Most of us as professional matchmakers have a free registry option. We can’t match you with our clients if we can’t find you.  If you’re not registered with me (Los Angeles and Santa Fe, NM) then by golly, go for it; here’s the link:  www.JulieFerman.com 

Two first dates a month, with interested, qualified candidates.  That’s YOUR mission.  If you’d like help with the mission, schedule a coaching consultation with me and I’m all yours for an hour.  Email me to schedule: Julie@JulieFerman.com

And enjoy the journey. Every part of it. 

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