This totally sweet, though heart-wrenching video hit my desk today (Thanks for sharing, Rachel De Alto!) of a thoroughly adorable couple who are now splitting up after five years, because somehow, during their early days of courtship, they missed asking the most critical question of all dating questions:
Who Wants KIDS?
I’ve been there, I made the same mistake, in my mid twenties. I spent 18 months with a beautiful, warm, sensitive, caring and loving man whom I stumbled upon at my local veggie cafe in Kansas City. We were engaged and four months from the altar before the real honest-to-goodness truth became aparent — that whereas I was 100% committed to my plan of marriage and babies, that my partner just simply….wasn’t “all in” with the notion of bringing another child into the world. And so….we split and it was painful.
I learned my lesson, and from that moment forward, I made sure to get the REAL answer to the “Who wants marriage and babies?” question early on in the dating and courtship process, so as not to let myself get swept into another beautiful love affair that can’t endure.
My all time favorite photo of my husband, Gil is tacked onto the wall behind and just to the right of my computer monitor, where my eye tends to wander when I’m thinking. Here’s Gil with our two precious boys in his lap, Alex at 3 and Kevin as an infant. Adorned with his trusty burp rag on his shoulder, Gil’s expression says “I’m fulfilling my destiny as a proud, happy father and life is good.”
As a matchmaker and dating coach, it’s my great honor and joy to spend every day enabling connections, providing introductions and ushering in loving partnerships for our clients. There is no question more critical to the dating and love-search process than “Who wants kids?” Especially if you are a young woman whose clock can’t help but to tick, and also if you are a man who is dating women whose clocks can’t help but be ticking.
Save yourself time and heartache by always, always having the upfront, sober conversation with your love interest (while your clothes are on, in the light of day, please) about what your heart’s true desire is for your future.
If having kids is really important to you, then simply do not become romantic with anyone who’s not on that same page with you. Period. Once romance kicks in and the oxytocin starts flying, attachment and bonding happens and then…. oh my…. five years later we have a puddle of tears and a cute video about a break-up to watch online.
Love seekers — when out there in the trenches of dating, have the courage to ask this very simple question — “Is parenting in your future?”
In designing our personal matchmaking systems here at www.JulieFerman.com the very first search filter we created for our search process was this one. Who wants to have kids, and who doesn’t? Who is a Yes for dating someone with kids and who isn’t? If you don’t happen to have a matchmaker asking this question for you 100% of the time, then you be sure to ask it for yourself, 100% of the time when you’re screening your candidates. If you get the No response, move on. It’ll hurt less now than it would five years later. I promise.
We encourage you to register privately with us for free, http://www.JulieFerman.com to be eligible for personal matchmaking referrals. And you can count on us to always know the answer to that question, “Who wants kids?”