Dating. Managing and Embracing Uncertainty


JF FACEToday, my client, Mark is wrestling with his frustration over the lack of a return call from his new Match, Lara.  They’ve both studied each other’s Resume and photos, and they’ve both said Yes to meeting.  He left a warm voice mail message for her two days ago, and he’s getting anxious over the silence he’s getting back from her.  I can see that he’s jumping to some conclusions about why she’s not being responsive.

Yes, it’s holiday time, when I suggest cutting folks extra amounts of slack in the call-back/email-back department.  Some of us are more attached to our laptops and cell phones than others, and our usual routines for managing business and personal communications are often disrupted with travel, relatives, and added logistical and emotional wackiness that comes with the holidays.  (I know my usual routines are off-kilter at the moment, how about yours?)

In response to the Dating Means Waiting blog, Mark said, “While I agree that patience is essential I also think there is relevance to the ‘she is just not that into you’ school of thinking as well, we often deceive ourselves into thinking someone is busy and that the two of us could really work together, when the reality could be that she’s just not that into me. Both are relevant and they make the perfect Koan that we dwell in; a paradox unresolvable in the mind and only resolvable in real life.”

Well said, Mark! Yes, the paradox is unresolvable in the mind — only resolvable in real life for these two remarkable individuals, both whom I know to be thoroughly scrumptious and sincerely seeking lifelong love —  the way to resolve the paradox is through communication — ideally delivered with compassion, respect, and a sincere desire to contribute to the other person, whether this connection will be a momentary passing of ships or a lifetime journey together.

I say, practice patience and practice compassionate communication.  Give her another day to respond, and then check in by phone and by email too, as you don’t yet know if she’s a texter, if she checks her home messages while traveling, if she’s always got her laptop with her or if she “goes dark” when she’s away or hosting guests.  Avoid at all costs leaving a tone of “pissyness” — which is always a surefire turn-off.

I see dating as an opportunity to practice the very same skills that we need to sustain a loving, healthy relationship:

Patience: taking that extra couple of breaths before blurting out (or texting or emailing or voice mailing) something that might be off-putting or hurtful.  Practice reflecting on a troubling issue for a day or two before thoughtfully communicating it.

Compassion: Stepping aside to consider the various points of view that might be her current reality (a bad cold, an inconvenient  airport delay, a drama-invested family gathering, visiting relatives, a simple memory slip, or another suitor, who might very well be just a brief distraction)

Happiness: Your sense of fulfillment can only come from within.  The more peaceful, calm, upbeat, and happy you are, the more magnetic you’ll be and the greater your ability to attract and sustain love, relationship, and partnership.  It’s not easy to do, but anytime you’re finding yourself being anxious or impatient, this is the very moment to practice being happy,  unconditionally happy, regardless of who’s doing what or not doing what out there in your world.

While waiting for a response from one or more of your Romantic Possibilities, my suggestion is that you get comfortable with the uncertainty that dating is.  Guard against the temptation to guess at or assign a reason, and get busy doing something that lifts your spirits or better yet, do something to life someone else’s spirits.

Always fascinating, often frustrating, and kinda fun too never knowing for sure how a new connection will unfold for two people. !! I guess this is why I never get bored bringing people together.

This particular couple?  I’m really jazzed for them to meet.  Let’s hope they don’t screw it up!


About Julie

Julie Ferman is the Founder of Julie Ferman Associates. As a personal matchmaker, dating coach, media personality, professional speaker, dating industry consultant and events producer, her mission is to dignify and simplify the love search process for selective, relationship-minded professionals. Julie Ferman Associates provides personal matchmaking services and a full menu of dating coaching services to single men and women throughout the U.S. and Canada.

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