Are You Being A Downer On Your Dates?

Ken’s my new client.  He’s 52, handsome, super smart, funny, accomplished, sincerely seeking relationship — all the good stuff.  He met two of my female clients this past week and I was puzzled (and I’ll admit it — just an itty bit amused) when the post date feedback I received from these two women, about the very same man, were so  completely different.

Wendy gave Ken rave reviews across the board, saying he was wildly entertaining, such fun company, she said he’s “boyfriend material” and she can’t wait to see him again.

Candice had met the very same man earlier in the week, and took away a completely different impression.  She gave Ken low scores in every category and said he was dull, boring, that he was socially inept, that he had bad breath, and she didn’t find him the slightest bit interesting, attractive, or date-worthy.  In short, she found him to be yawn-worthy…

Fascinating, isn’t it?  Well, as you might imagine, Ken and Wendy are having a second date this morning.  Both have emailed me about how excited they are to see each other again – they’re going to the Farmers Market and then they’re having brunch. And well…I just picked up a rather grumpy voice mail from Candice (which she’d left me at 9pm on a Saturday night) saying “Who do you have lined up for me next?”

Candice has fallen into a place of negativity with dating; her kneejerk reaction is to find what’s wrong, vs. what’s right or lovely or admirable in this particuilar man. She’s picking the poor guy apart, being judgmental and critical of her date and on her date, and she doesn’t realize that SHE is creating the problem.

I took a moment to review each of the post-date evaluations that Candice has written and…guess what…Four out of the five she’s sent in to me were also really negative — she lists the shortcomings and faults and she has nothing positive to say.  The one guy she really liked was lukewarm in his impression of her, and he didn’t call her for a second date.  His post date evaluation of Candice said it all.  He said he found her to be “attractive, bright, but negative, a bit of a downer”

Crystal clear, isn’t it?  Well, to everyone but Candice.

Are you being a Dating Downer? Here’s how to tell: Take a look back in your dating calendar and for each person you’ve met in the past 6 months, make a list of all the GOOD stuff and all the NOT so good stuff.  If you find that your list of negatives consistently outweighs the list of positives, then…uh oh…you’ve become a Dating Downer.  I mean, really, think about it.  Who’s the common denominator in each of your not-so-great dates?  Sorry, Sweetie, but that person is looking at you in the mirror every morning.  Is this a happy face?  Is this person uplifting, pleasant, magnetic, jazzed-up? Or…um…maybe not so much…

Fortunately, negativity is a Fixable Foible.

If you think you  might be turning into Debbie Downer (or Critical Candice) in your dating life, here’s what to do.  When on a date discipline yourself to find and see and appreciate fully this one-of-a-kind-special-like-a-snowflake human being whose path you were fortunate enough to cross on this very day. Practice noticing and relishing in what’s good, pleasing, interesting, worthy of respect in this person.

Those of you who’ve listened to my Audio CD set “Navigating the Romantic Marketplace” will surely remember stories about Feisty Frieda Ferman, my fabulous mother-in-law, who is also my company mascot.  Frieda is currently 91, widowed after 50+ years of blissful married life, and in the 11 years since she’s been a widow, she’s never been without an adorable and adoring boyfriend.  Here’s her secret — Frieda Ferman never says a negative, critical word about ANYone, she sees what’s magical and wonderful in her suitors — she calls it “looking for the donut, not the hole” and well, no surprise…she’s got her guy, Eddie by her side this morning at this very moment.  Frieda says, “only boring people get bored.”

If you’re really stuck in a place of negativity about dating, about the opposite sex, I suggest that we put you on a Dating Diet — stop dating altogether for 2-3 months.  And get yourself into one of Alison Armstrong’s PAX weekend programs, or just pick up her audio CD set, “In Synch with the Opposite Sex.”  She’ll have you learning and laughing all the way back into a healthy perspective.  No one wants to date a downer.

Oh, and funny thing about “bad breath” — we all think we’re good drivers, we all think we look younger than our age, we all think we have a great sense of humor, and we all think it’s the other guy who has bad breath.  We should all carry breath mints with us, we should use them and we should share them freely.  Hey, maybe the folks at TicTac or Altoids wants to be a Julie Ferman Associates sponsor…

If you’re single and you wish you weren’t, and not yet registered with us, well then do that right now, right here: http://www.JulieFerman.com

JF FACE

Love on, Folks!

About Julie

Julie Ferman is the Founder of Julie Ferman Associates. As a personal matchmaker, dating coach, media personality, professional speaker, dating industry consultant and events producer, her mission is to dignify and simplify the love search process for selective, relationship-minded professionals. Julie Ferman Associates provides personal matchmaking services and a full menu of dating coaching services to single men and women throughout the U.S. and Canada.

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2 Responses to Are You Being A Downer On Your Dates?

  1. Isaac December 11, 2009 at 4:12 pm #

    I recommend sugar-free mints — not sure altoids or tic-tac have them. Starbucks has some great sugar-free peppermints (though they were even better when the mints and can were smaller.)

    Very good article, thanks! I remember reading an article suggesting that especially on first (or early) dates, it’s best to keep things light-hearted and fun. It makes sense on so many levels. You’ll enjoy yourself even if the person isn’t meant to be a match for you, and if she (or he) IS, then you’ll be building a happy, more solid foundation on which to build something more long term and meaningful.

    — Isaac

  2. Sheree Millhollin December 10, 2009 at 5:54 am #

    You are so wise. Love reading your advise and lifting my spirits

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