If you’re 3-6 months into a new relationship, I wrote this article for you. I love writing for Lavalife! http://blog.lavalife.com/when-your-new-relationships-honeymoon-stage-ends/
Let’s check in on the question of personal matchmaking, for you. For single love-seekers, the plethora of dating solutions has never been more rich and varied, and in order to preserve your psyche, your self-esteem, your hard earned dollars and your precious time, as a 20+ year veteran of the Dating Industry, specifically as a Los Angeles Matchmaker, I want to help you make the right choice about how to do dating well, whether that involves a personal matchmaker or not.
Here’s how to know if YOU should work with a personal matchmaker. Ask yourself these questions:
- 1. What’s more important to you – TIME or MONEY? There have never been more free and inexpensive dating solutions for love seekers. If you value your money more than your time, then have fun working with the plethora of free online dating sites like www.okcupid.com and www.plentyoffish.com and don’t whine about the hours that you’ll spend sifting, sorting and qualifying dating prospects and just know in advance that there will be plenty of times when you’ll encounter fibbers, flakes and sex-seekers – In my experience, for every crazy online wack-job there are five others who are honest, good people…just like you. On the other hand, If you are willing to invest some of your hard earned dough to save yourself hours and hours of time corresponding with and dating the less-than-fully-qualified, then hiring a matchmaker might make some sense for you, but…there’s more to consider.
2. What’s harder for you to take –REJECTION or BEING SINGLE? Along with the free or nearly free dating solutions come lots of little and not-so-little disappointments, which can be torturous for the psyche. PAX founder, Alison Armstrong (http://www.julieferman.com/ResourcesCategories.aspx?id=161) tells us that for men, the number one most appealing, alluring, attractive quality in a woman is confidence. The reality of online dating is that the vast majority of those who appeal to you won’t be into you, won’t respond or will tease you and end up disappointing you. Not unlike being at a singles event or a crowded singles bar – it’s tough to face these facts, but do-it-yourself dating requires a thick skin to manage the rejection factor. AND the trick is to learn not to take this personal rejection personally… If you’d like to minimize the rejection factor by short-cutting the sifting, sorting and qualification process, matchmaking might be a solution, but…first…wait…ask yourself…
3. Is there a really good matchmaker in my area? Look for a matchmaker who’s well established in YOUR town, with five or more years running a successful dating agency there in your community, with a stellar reputation. A matchmaker who has a really large database of personally screened candidates who meet your critical criteria. A matchmaker who is more service oriented than sales oriented (HINT: look for an agency that reveals fees upfront, and beware of any agency that won’t. Also, avoid agencies that offer buy-today incentives – this is a sure sign that they’re more interested in your money than they are in serving you…trust me on this.) Look for a matchmaker who recruits constantly – who’s out there in the community searching, scouting, screening and really working proactively for the clients. A matchmaker who will only introduce you to other current, paying clients – oh my…run the other way, as the “inventory” will be seriously limited and not at all worth your investment. Size matters in matchmaking – the size of the available candidate pool, that is. Does the matchmaker provide post-date feedback and coaching, demonstrating a sincere desire to help you learn and grow? Matchmakers who don’t provide ongoing coaching and post-date feedback are more interested in your money than your success.
4. Would I be a good matchmaking client? My dream client is one who has the ability to trust me, who can and will communicate respectfully with me and with the candidates we introduce. A good matchmaking client is one who can be patient, who can embrace the reality that dating is a process, a growth process that sometimes includes the revealing of blind spots… The ideal matchmaking client can embrace dating as an adventure, filled with learning and opportunities to contribute and share with each other along the journey into relationship. If you are indeed this type of person, I’d like to know you. Register privately with me, for free here: www.JulieFerman.com and I’ll help you determine your best course of action. Based on who you are, the type of person you’re interested in meeting and where you live in the world, I’ll help you sort out this thing called Your Love Life.
You’re widowed and you’re dating again. Good for you! Congratulations on having the courage to get “out there” again.
As a personal matchmaker since 1990, I’ve worked with thousands of single widows and single widowers and it’s an honor and a joy for me to serve this particular niche in our Los Angeles Matchmaking community.
And I have some great news for you if you are widowed and dating. I’ve discovered through the years as a personal matchmaker that if you’ve loved deeply and successfully before, then you’re MUCH more likely to find love again. It’s good to hear this from a seasoned Los Angeles dating coach, Yes? Here’s the secret dating tip for widows and widowers.
Discipline yourself to focus on the present moment. Be really careful not to compare, and … I know it’s really tough to do this, but it’s oh so important. One of the biggest challenges in dating as a widow or a widower is that the person who shows up on the date has to compete with the person you have in your mind, which is the ideal man (or the ideal woman) who happens to have many of the characteristics that your former spouse had, plus likely some qualities that your former spouse didn’t even have. It’s a tough bill to fill for anyone but Julie Ferman knows you can do it.
It can be intimidating to be the “new date” who’s competing with decades of memories from a past love. Here’s how Gene is approaching his finding-love-again mission. Gene is one of our gentlemen clients. He is a single, widowed man who is 57 years old, a successful business owner whose wife shared So many passions — they did EVERYTHING together — gardening, cooking, hiking, camping, mountain climbing, playing chess, watching NBA Basketball – they were attached at the hip. Gene’s wrestling with the reality that it’s unlikely that he’ll find another partner who enjoys and can participate in EACH of these activities with him. So he’s practicing being in the moment, in the present, looking for common ground and shared passions with the women he’s meeting now.
The woman we introduced Gene to last weekend has a passion for painting, especially wildflowers, something he’s never been exposed to. He called me today to let me know that the two of them are going to do something creative and adventurous this coming Saturday. They’ll head to his favorite park, where she’ll be painting while he takes a five-mile power hike, and they’re both bringing goodies for a picnic afterward. They’re stretching, learning, growing, adapting — I like their chances together.
Here’s a fun exercise, if you’re a single widow or a single widower. Make a list of ten activities you’d be open to trying or doing again after what may have been a long absence. Challenge yourself to break out of your molds and patterns. Check out Meet-Up groups in your area to see if there might be some fun NEW friends to explore. And be sure to register privately with us, so we can find you when we’re searching for our current and future personal matchmaking clients. http://www.JulieFerman.com
Here’s what I’d say — remember that whether you’re having fun or not, whether you’re entertained or enjoying what you’re doing at any given moment — this is under your control. I would encourage you to look for the things that you DO have in common with each of the people you date and see how it feels being together. What you’re doing together? Not nearly as critical as you and she can always find both old and new pass times that you enjoy doing, both together, separately, and side by side. My hubby, for example LOVES to do the crosswords and he does them every single day. He also loves watching sports — lots of sports…. I’m often in the same room with him, right by his side, doing something else — reading, managing emails, words with friends, studying recipes, journaling, reading magazines, etc. etc. AND there are things we love doing together like hiking and gardening. He is a NUT for tennis (not my thing) and so I’m typically in a yoga class while he’s chasing a ball around the court.
A great relationship is more about HOW you’re being together moreso that WHAT are you doing together. My hubby, Gil just chimed in — he says that balance and compliment is something to look for and to develop. Two people who are TOO much alike can make for a stale, stagnant relationship.
Leave the rear view mirror in the car when you go on the date, so you can truly be in the present, giving this opportunity in front of you the chance to blossom.
Julie Ferman, Award Winning Matchmaker, reveals the secrets to how to be irresistible to men.
Men crave us. They do, really. Study after study has shown that the happiest men are those who are in a loving relationship. How to be irresistible to men, so you can be found by that man who wants a loving partnership?
Smile. The number one thing you simply must know about how to be irresistible to a man is to use your natural smile, glowing from the inside, letting him know that you are a happy, healthy woman who brings fun and sunshine to the party. Check the mirror, study your current photos, suggests Julie Ferman – does this person look happy, fun to be with, loving and open-hearted? Even if you’re having a bad day, the practice of smiling will lift your spirits and the spirits of everyone in your path. Today make it a point to smile 25% more than you normally do, and see how that impacts your interactions with men out there in the world.
Confidence. We’re not talking about the tough, masculine energy we may demonstrate in the board room. A woman who is irresistible to men? She’s the woman who exudes confidence from her core as a feminine woman, says Julie. She likes herself, she’s not needy or clingy, she’s got the inner confidence to be open-hearted, accessible, warm and engaging when in conversation. Men are resistant to women who are closed off, fearful, critical, judgmental. The irresistible woman is the one who has the confidence to be fully present, available and engaged in the present moment. This kind of woman is a bright, shining beacon to a man who has love to share.
Femininity and Grace. Look like a girl and more importantly ACT like a girl. Especially if we want to partner with a big, strong, masculine, take-charge kind of alpha male, we simply must reveal our soft, graceful, flowing feminine energy. How to be irresistible to men? asks Ferman, The more feminine you are the more space there is for him to be The Guy. He wants to be The Guy. The woman who lets him be The Guy will be irresistible to him.
Mysteriously Challenging. After a first meeting or a great first date, sit tight for a bit. Let him be The Guy. Resist the temptation to shoot off a flirtatious email or text message. Give him the chance to chase you reveals Julie Ferman. To be irresistible, we should always be responsive, flexible, accommodating and receptive, while also keeping hold of the reins, taking things slowly, revealing our cards carefully over the course of the first few dates.
The FUN factor. Men are really just big kids and they ALL love to have fun. I asked one of my favorite gentlemen clients to share with me the one thing that he would recommend to women on how to be irresistible to men and he said “If she’s not fun to be with, I don’t care how gorgeous or smart or accomplished she might be, I’m just not interested…”
Bottom line, the women who are irresistible to men? It’s an inside job! Happiness, warmth, playfulness and an open heart that shines through your eyes and your natural, glowing smile. Practice revealing yourself in this way and report back to me with your results!
My personal Matchmaking Client, Linda asks a great question this morning. “Jim and I had a really nice date. Conversation flowed, we had a very comfortable connection, chemistry seemed to be there for us both, he graciously picked up the tab for dinner, everything was perfect except….he didn’t offer to walk me to my car at the end of the date. I’d parked a few blocks from the restaurant, in a part of town I didn’t know well, and I felt abandoned as I walked the long, dark three blocks to my car. It would have been really nice if he’d offered to walk me to my car. The fact that he didn’t – for me is a red flag. Is this a sign that he’s not respectful or thoughtful, that he doesn’t really care about a woman’s safety?”
Here’s what I’d say….Ladies, WE need to be responsible for our own safety. As a personal matchmaker for 20+ years, it’s become clear to me that most men are truly unaware that as women we are constantly fearful for our own personal safety. Daily as we get in and out of our cars, as we walk down busy city streets in high heels, purses hanging from our shoulders, sometimes disoriented, directionally challenged as we comb parking lots for the car we somehow don’t even remember parking…
I really do think it’s a good idea for us girls to take care of ourselves, which means making sure we’re safe. Ladies, don’t hesitate AT ALL to ask a man you’ve just met to walk you to your car. Men respond really well that that request, as it gives them the opportunity to be the provider/protector and it shows them our vulnerability, which is a turn-on for them.
The simple question,”Would you be willing to walk me to my car?” also shows a man that we’re comfortable asking for what we want and need, which deminstrates our ability to communicate resonsibly and with compassion. You’re going to need those communication skills in the relationship that’s in your future — might as well start practicing asking for what you want and need now, while trying on hats, which is what dating is.
Never walk to your car alone if you don’t have to. Men are so willing and happy to protect us, and when they don’t offer, it’s usually because we gave off the “I’m fine, I can take care of myself” kinda vibe. Play with this. You don’t have to be the damsel in distress, but it’s good to remind him that you are the girl, even though you’re a very capable one. This dating coach says – Asking for help is smart AND sexy!
As a Los Angeles Matchmaker since 2001 we continue to see a rise in the number of seniors we are working with, both as personal matchmaking clients and as referral members in our dating and matchmaking community. As our Los Angeles singles demographics continue to rise in age with the baby boomer bubble, we are happy to report that Los Angeles dating is alive and well for our senior singles.
Case in point — our mascot is my mother-in-law, whom we affectionately call Feisty Frieda Ferman. In her mid nineties (yes, 95!), Frieda is never without a date on Saturday evening. She never attends singles events or singles cruises because she is a virtual man magnet, never without suitors. Widowed after being happily married for over fifty years, Frieda is my role model for how do to dating in Los Angeles well, really well.
What are Feisty Frieda’s dating secrets? There are two things that this Los Angeles matchmaker has found to give a senior single a big advantage, and Frieda is a stellar example:
1. She looks great. A man simply cannot and will not step up to the plate to court a woman unless he’s attracted to her. Frieda exercises regularly, keeps her bod in shape and she’s taken really great care of her skin. We all think we look and act much younger than our chronological age — Frieda’s the rare example of a senior who really DOES look 10-15 years younger than her birth certificate reveals.
2. Her attitude is so positive. Much, much more important than how a woman looks, it’s her attitude that will either make it or break it with a man whose eye she has managed to catch. Frieda has disciplined herself to look for and to recognize the good in people, in all people. So when she meets a man she looks for what’s right, for what’s pleasing, for what’s honorable. She doesn’t look for flaws, and so naturally men find her attractive and appealing. Frieda calls this “looking for the donut, not the hole” and it’s a practice that’s served her really well in live. This is the very reason why she has so many great girlfriends and she’s never without a devoted, loving boyfriend.
Frieda’s advice to Los Angeles Singles? Bring your own happiness to the party, no whining, no complaining, make it your mission to brighten the life of each person you touch all day long, every day, and you’ll never be without good quality companionship. Rock on Frieda !
As personal matchmakers we orchestrate a LOT of first dates. And as a convenience to our Clients, we actually provide concierge service for our Clients’ first dates, coordinating the day and time for the date, the restaurant reservation, confirming with both people — We work hard behind the scenes to make first dates effortless, low stress, and fun. Even so, snafus happen, even with Beverly Hills singles. Here’s what one of our Clients did this week to keep life’s little bumps in the road from derailing a first date that might otherwise have gone badly…
When you’re in love, the Valentine’s season is just perfect. All those red hearts, the roses and the sickeningly sweet commercial messages seem to be written just for you. And when you’re not in love, and you so wish you were — all that red and pink just feels like a heavy, thick, syrupy wet blanket…(read more)
You’re thinking, “Man, she’s cute. Is she looking at me?” And she’s over there thinking, “I want to meet that guy. How can I? Should I walk up to him? I know I shouldn’t, but I hear it’s OK to signal him with a look and a smile. Why isn’t he… (read more)
Whip out a pen and make a quick list of the last five first dates you’ve been on. Where were those dates? What did you do together? How memorable and meaningful were these past five first dates?The common denominator for each of your first dates? It’s YOU, Baby! Let’s have some fun sprucing up your first date regimen. Here’s what some of our more creative Personal Matchmaking Clients have been doing on their first dates with us at http://www.JulieFerman.com
1) Samantha really likes to meet up over lunch or a drink at a someplace lovely, but…Kevin’s suggestion was Starbucks. Not wanting to be fussy, princess-like or controlling, but also wanting to add in her personal touch, Samantha didn’t request a change of venue, rather she made the date special by bringing a sweet little tablecloth, silverware and her homemade blueberry muffins. She was all set up at Starbucks when he arrived, reading the paper and she greeted him with a big smile and a warm hug. The look on his face when he saw that she had brought a homey, romantic touch to his neighborhood coffee spot? Surprise and delight.
2) Brent is a committed dog lover and is thoroughly unwilling to partner with a woman who isn’t a fan of the canines. He was particurly interested in meeting Ana, as our personal matchmaking coordinator shared with him that she has a new Dalmatian puppy. The two of them met up at her favorite dog park, on a bench in the shade of Magnolia tree. He’d stopped off at http://www.freshandeasy.com/ to pick up chicken sandwiches, chips and a couple of Snapples – and the two of them bonded over doggie kisses and California sunshine.
3) Becky is ten pounds down, working on losing another ten, and her biggest habit change? She no longer meets anyone over food — rather, she meets over some fun kind of exercise. She’s doing lots of dating at the moment, the most memorable for her of late being — roller blading with Jon in Venice Beach and a meet-up with Scott at a Sierra Club Singles hike http://www.meetup.com/Sierra-Singles-Sierra-Club/
How does Julie Ferman continue winning the awards at iDate? http://www.idateawards.com/nominations-las-vegas-2013.php Commitment to innovation, creativity and stellar Client Service. Shoot over some of your favorite Creative First Date memories so we can share them with our Clients and Members and the rest of the world.